i felt like i was trying to navigate the new system using my tablet like a paddle in quicksand. the computer felt alien and clumsy. now it is me that is full of electricity.
after hours bouncing and buzzing, bursting with hope and happiness, waiting without word, we finally left to drive home. in the darkness, i sang, projecting prayers like headlights into the night.
we stopped at our house by the river and stepped into the cold air. i felt so awake and alive. eager and anxious. the stars in mount tremper shine like angels, and i thought about how far she had travelled to come to us.
sweet baby. assembled atoms, a constellation of chromosomes, a sculpture of stardust, a miracle of molecules.
her little body, even now, pushing its way into the world. perhaps her lungs have already met the air. filled it, even as it filled her, with her voice.
we will talk, you and i, mabel.
we will look at clouds and through microscopes, wander in the woods, put our feet in cold water. we will talk about gardens and geese and god.
i will ask you if you remember where you were before this. i will tell you about tonight. the story as i am living it is not full of the details and the delivery, but the waiting, the wondering, the watching the phone and the watching the clock. i don’t know the centimeters of the dilation of the cervix, only the opening of my heart. it is praying like reaching. it is believing like beaming.
i will tell you how much you are loved, and that you always have been.
i am so excited, and grateful, and overwhelmed.
but not overwhelmed like today at work, where i cried because i couldn’t feel myself, in the whirlwind of expectation. but overwhelmed like this, where i am crying because i can feel the deepest parts of myself, in the wonder of anticipation.
when you’re struggling sometime, again in your life, to be born into something new, i want to be this again, close by, hopeful, and holding a sacred spot for you. ready to applaud your arrival, shower you with love, and celebrate your life.
we are your family, and we will be there for you. and soon, you will be here with us.
welcome home, mabel.
happy birth day!